Photo by felipepelaquim on Unsplash

Am I battling monsters? Or am I battling A monster?
Is it me VS. the world? or am I my own adversary?
How to analyze what saddens me whilst I find conflict with my allies?
How do I test myself?
This isn’t your average cheesy “I am a victim”.
I am literally having a blind battle.
It’s a goddarn psychological warfare. Against MYSELF!?
Picture fighting a riddle! Exactly! How can you? They’re ABSTRACT!
I mean think about it… what you have become to this day isn’t perfect.
Yet, the poison will still hold you back, resurface on its own.
The “shadow” as Carl Jung puts it.

I always looked up to Aragorn… he’s fiction… but still.
I saw a video essay about how he’s the epitome of Non-Toxic masculinity.
I want to live up to be just like him.
Honorable, honest, humble, brave & a goddarn prime example of what kind of man I want to be.

I always wanted to be in a loving relationship too.
My relationship with my parents is non-existent.
They don’t live up to the example I need in my life.
They don’t shine a light onto the path I walk.
I could even say that they hold a grudge against me for reasons we can discuss later. Regardless of how I describe them it's crucial that you understand that I am thankful for everything.
BUT, I still bear scars from them that throb even to this day.

A woman I loved left me.
My friendships are love hotel rooms and my fights within them are the rose petals scattered across them.

Why do I deserve this eternal damnation by internal turmoil?
Why can’t I just grow up to be who I am meant to be?
Why can’t I love normally?
Why do I demand of others, but I don’t enforce the same standard myself?

Why do I suffer within so much when I have so much good going on for me?
I am considerably handsome, not the smartest(slow), but when I do learn something I can be quite competent.
Tall, good build & a nice smile.
Don’t smoke, barely drink.
Some tattoos, good people’s person.
I always help others.
Yet… there's still evil, poison, trash lurking in the shadows of my heart.
It bites the few people that appreciate me, cherish me, but WHY!?

Why can’t they stick when darkness comes out of me to bite.
Stick at that very moment it happens.
Rather than in general expect me to apologize and go back to normal.
I wish there was someone out there to save me.
Not GOD, I don't want to be talking to myself (no offense GOD. Thank you and really I will continue praying).
Not my loved ones that fail me when I supposedly fail them.
Someone that will GUIDE me. LOVE me. SAVE me from my darkness.
The very darkness that must be tamed?
I’m tired and beat.

I have come to realize a few days ago that such a someone does not exist, I am alone.
When I came to realize that, something inside me died a little bit.



Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Canvas of a Poet

Canvas of a Poet

Self-expression is important and your writing is really timeless. I personally enjoy creative writing for its artistic release. I’m here to materialize my voice