This is not a Poem
I’m in so much pain inside it’s killing me.
I was with a friend at a cafe on the beach.
Often times friends tell me so and so about the waitresses. Thinking I should ask them for their numbers.
Suggesting I’m smart, handsome, strong and great with people.
Well…. I was thinking I really should, but I give up and see it’s pointlessness.
I’ve been alone most my life.
I’m hurt and in pain inside.
I later went and sat outside with my friend, watching the beach (water, sand and sky), feeling the breeze and seeing people just out and about.
My friend was spending time with me. Once I would have been happy with just that. But today, I was distracted, unhappy.
Something is making me feel unwhole, unhappy, unsatisfied, that nothing is good enough for me to be content.
I couldn’t get the idea out of my head that I will never find love and that I would rather die than confront this pain.
I’m clueless and I keep thinking what would the wise Vova (my confidant and spiritual mentor) tell me? :
Accept the pain of the little boy who was not guided from youth and that whatever he felt wasn’t his fault?
Forgive and save oneself from the self inflicted punishment he makes himself endure and move on?
Make a simple effort?
I’m in agonizing pain inside (makes me feel sorry I’m alive). And nothing I imagine you saying, saves me from it.
But I still find myself wanting you to surprise me and shed light on my vulnerability exposed… Can you? Old friend?
I don’t even remember the waitresses' face. She spurred the pain of longing, but I don’t even remember her FACE!!!!!
It was only what was lacking in my heart. True love, pure, innocent, void filling. Can’t I fill my void myself? I should I think. I should be whole without the woman. So I can proudly claim my own life as my own. Maybe I should start with working on my life’s purpose, that I will assign on my own? But a crucial piece feels like it is missing inside me. Something to make me feel like as long as it’s there, I can take on the world.
